Butter for Birds.

I used to think you got to choose who you loved. Aside from your family, of course, because with your family, God just gives them to you and you have to love them, no matter what. But I thought that everybody else who came prancing through your life was a choice. I thought you got to say things like, "Eh, you're not that funny; I don't love you," or "I just don't think you're very interesting, so I don't love you," or "You are beautiful. I love you." But that isn't the way it works.


God just gives you people and you have to love them. No matter how much you try not to or just try and deny it, you can't. That's just not the way it works.


And your life is so full of people, some of them you love, some of them you less love, but you didn't get to decide that. That wasn't your choice, because you didn't mean to love that boy with the nice feet who sings out of the side of his mouth and shrugs his shoulders lot. Quite frankly, you said, "But he sucks!" and God said, "Too bad. Love him anyway." And you didn't mean to love blonde hair and blue eyes and new glasses, but she was so beautiful three years ago, and when she put things on paper, you didn't want to throw them away, and you've never stopped loving her, even when you denied it.


And he wields sarcasm like a lethal weapon; he can be a little daft sometimes, and you didn't mean to love him, but hats look nice on him, and his house always smells the same way, and two Decembers ago, in a thrift store, he proved he knew something about Emily Dickinson. There are times when you've looked at him and thought that you've literally never loved someone so much, which is crazy, but that's a real thing, you think.


And as much as you try to control who you love and who you less love, that's just not the way it works. God gave you Avery and Kaitlyn and Matt and Kyle and Benjamin and Morgan and Emily and Autumn and the rest of the gang and you never tried not to love them, but you never really made a conscious to love them. It just happened. That's just the way it works.


You don't get to choose who you love. That's how it works around here.


Passion fruit.
All my love,
Addy

Chappy birthday, Kait.

You are eighteen years old today, Kaitlyn (good thing the government reminded us, because we may've forgotten). I wish I had the words for you, for us, for the way you've been a part of me. But I don't. Not here, at least. So here's my DO and DO NOT lists for my too-young-to-be-an-adult-but-adult-nonetheless-CBF.


DO:
1. Do pierce your nose. Or maybe your belly button or maybe both. Just because you don't have to have parental permission to do either of those things anymore. Also maybe get married.
2. Do order things from informercials.
3. Do shout things like, "I'm an adult, gosh dang it!" just because that is a real thing.
4. Check yourself out of high school. You can do that now. In real life.


DO NOT:
1. Do not stop being my friend merely because you are an adult and I am a child.
2. Do not get into too much trouble because you are no longer a child and now, if you steal something or drive badly (Kaitlyn? A bad driver? What??), then you could get tossed into jail/prison and that would really put a kink in our road trip plans.
3. Do not kiss underage boys because you are now old enough to get sued for that -- yes, even if he gave his consent.
4. Do not actually change very much because I like you just how you are.


I get by with a little help from you, Kaitlyn. And I can't believe you are eighteen real-life years old. Today.


YOU HAVE CHRONIC MODEL FACE.
All my love,
Addy

A little less Titus.

Loving someone doesn't mean you have to love everything they do every second of life. Being best friends with someone doesn't mean that you have to want to talk to them every second and that you can't ever be annoyed with them or sometimes hate the people they associate with. Being a family isn't about never disagreeing or making mistakes.


It's about something so much bigger. Well, actually, I take that back. It's about something smaller.


It's about the way they smell; it's about recognizing that smell and knowing that when you smell it, you're home and you're safe and you've made it. It's about the way they shape the letter "u" and how you'd recognize that handwriting anywhere. It's about that smirk they wear when they are composing some sort of witty retort to what you're saying long before you've finished saying it. It's about hats. It's about misty-eyed laugher. It's about their fear of thunderstorms. It's about the dinner discussions. It's about Mondays. It's about cyber-stalking; it's about real-life stalking. It's about Legally Blonde the Musical. It's about how they have so many books that they can't even sleep on their own bed. It's about fake emails and bunheads and The Boy Book. It's about shouting "Drop dead!" too much. It's about singing "First Day of My Life" in a big crowd of people. It's about having secrets. It's about helping clean up the messes you've made together. It's about hair ruffles.


It's about the way they shape their words and the way your hearts beat together like a song and knowing that even though they might bother you sometimes or make you feel immensely jealous or incredibly small, that that doesn't matter at all. 


XXX.
All my love,
Addy

Swimming through the saline.

I cry every day. Big, black tears full of make-up and little quiet clear tears full of nothing but salt.


I cry because this is real life and I cry when people on television shows die and people in books get shot. I cry when other people's houses go up for sale. I cry when I cut my toe with the vacuum cleaner and when I think there is a killer shadow in my bedroom at three in the morning. I cry because there are books that are so well-written, I can't help but shed a tear. I cry when I see the dates on the calendar and I cry when I see old friends. I cry when I look at paintings and when I can't do anything right. I cry when I get my hopes up and when I get fortune cookies that are perfect. I cry at the mention of certain books. I cry when I miss people. I cry more when I look in the mirror and see how awful all that crying has made me look and cry the most when I realize I am crying because of something I saw in the mirror. 


I cry because sometimes, I simply don't know what else to do. Every single day, that happens. I just cry, involuntarily, because "any emotion, if it is sincere, is involuntary."


And right now, there is so much to feel.


I miss you more with every passing moment. Even though you are not even gone yet.
All my love,
Addy

Day 07: The souls who've shaped mine.

Katie: Blonde. Petite. Skinny. Likes sweaters. Likes boys. And boys, for that matter, like her. Plays piano beautifully. Has a legal drivers license. I like the way she writes the letter "u." Writes me notes. Taught me to love wishing. Very intelligent. Except sometimes she doesn't go to class. Talks on phone with me for hours. Has too few text messages. Got me in the habit of saying, "It's fine" after everything I say. Closest friend, probably. Lovely.

Avery: Brunette-ish. Beautiful. Afraid of haircuts. Keeps up incredible blog. Sings. Writes. Reads. Murders her weekends with books. One of two children; only child at home. Loves beautiful things. Her mom has a chocolate stash in the fridge which no one is allowed to touch. Likes an awkward boy named Jed. Wears red lipstick. Writes poetry. Loves Scott Pilgrim very much. Prefers to stay out of large social events.

Kaitlyn: Has boyfriend whom we all love. Plays guitar and uke. Wears black pants nearly every day. Has freckles. Loves white rice. Finally got drivers license. Beautiful. Loves Collin. Gets good grades. Writes for LP newspaper. Doesn't care much for sporting events. Exceptional in every way. Good at Clue the board game. Likes fashion. Hates sticky lipgloss. Skinny. Bad at communicating with said boyfriend who she won't kiss for some reason.

Collin: Is the aforementioned boyfriend. Likes funny haircuts. Cheats at all board games. Good driver. Used to listen to screamo. Going to be an intergalactic adventurer one day. Likes longboards. Wears the same hat nearly every day. Over thinks things. Messes with my speakers. Lives in a neighborhood on a hill. Loves Kaitlyn. Attractive. Has a living room chair with skis on the bottom in his garage.

Bianca: Odd friendship. Loves a boy. Is quiet. Is lovely. Very smart. Has beautiful eyes. Gorgeous hair. Boy loves her. Considers herself socially awkward: isn't really. Only person in this list who goes to my actual school. Sings. Takes hard classes. Has German family. Pays her own phone bill. Likes tamagotchis. Name is pronounced same in German and English.

Roah: Not indie only cause if he thinks he indie then he's not - ergo: he's ultra-indie. Has good sense of style. Listens to lovely music. Claims he had a tattoo. Claims he had said tattoo removed. Very brilliant. Possibly has early on-set schizophrenia. Reads books. Loves Cormic McCarthy. Wishes he was Holden Caulfield. Doesn't care much for school. Doesn't care much for authority. Plays guitar exceptionally. Writes songs. Takes pictures. Cute. Drinks tea with me. Has ex-girlfriend whom we all hate sort of.

Hannah: Has purple hair. No brothers, lots of sisters. Iphone-addict. Very smart. Crush on English teacher. Loves classical music. Plays viola. Yearbook-er. Like Ke$ha. Drives car. Sometimes a bad driver. Gorgeous. Kisses boys sometimes. Is my strength in hard times. Strong. Overcomes the worst. Photographer. Independent.

Hayley: Loves books. Loves words. Loves Noah. Devastatingly beautiful. Has gorgeous hair and cute nose. Plays soccer. Gets good grades. Intelligent. Lives too far away. Loves poetry. Has too few phone minutes. Has sister who looks exactly like her. Uses lovely words. Reads incredible books. Hangs with the boys. Strong. Independent. Loud. Perfectly petite. Noah loves her. Friend of a friend. Witty. Clever. Dashing. Very lively. Has sense of self. Incredible writer & poet.

"Do not go gentle into that good night."

All my love,

Addy

On the Virtues of Hayley, Noah, and Tanner.

This one's for you, guys.

Our relationship is actually rather funny, seeing as it spawned from spending too much time with my childhood friend, Harli. The first time I texted Hayley, it was after a day at the pool with Makayla and Harli and Hayley. Hayles and Makayla got in a competition to see who could stay in the icy cold pool longest, and, after and agreement that it was, in fact, a tie, Hayley got out of the pool. "I win!!" cried Makayla. And then Hayley proceeded to scream at Makayla for the better part of an hour about how they agreed it was a tie while Harli and I sat and laughed so terribly hard. (Noah: If you were not aware of how competitive Hayley is, I would break up with her now.) After that all settled down, Hayley read aloud to all of us from Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. She was thrilled to read Harry Potter, because guess what, she'd been grounded from Harry Potter books at home for the last couple weeks. And we've chatted nearly every day since. We talk about books and boys and school and music and anything else we like. Plus, we both like words. We're very funny. And we're soul sisters.

Once, I liked Tanner. As in, like liked him. It was funny. Not that Tanner isn't gorgeous and funny and attractive, but I just think it's funny. Tanner is a very talented musician. Plus, he has great hair. Once, we tried to have a Harry Potter movie marathon (we only ended up watching the first movie) and I walked into the Mitchell's front room wearing my True Religions I had gotten for Christmas that year. Tanner exclaimed, "Oh my gosh! I think we're wearing the same jeans." Never have I laughed so hard. But don't worry. Even though I just made it sound like he's gay, he's not. Tanner kissed someone once. It was a girl. I think her name was Laura or Laurie or something like that. It was very recent, too. Perhaps they kissed in the rain. Or maybe beneath a tree. It was probably very romantic. And I'm sure Tan's a very good kisser.

And then there's Noah... Well. Once, Noah nicknamed me "Peach" at Harli and Makayla's twelfth birthday party at Jump On It. And that was the last time I saw him until the Harry Potter marathon. Over that space of two years, he hit puberty and grew some sort of (oddly attractive) mullet. And I was convinced I was in love with him. Too bad he was perfect for Hayley and Hayley was perfect for him and I was perfect for somebody else who's name has already been broadcasted across the internet one too many times. Anyway. Freshman year Noah had a funeral for his mullet. They cried and burnt the hair. (Didn't that smell absolutely terrible?) Sometimes, in awkward moments, I say, "I have a friend who had a funeral for his mullet once..." And tell the story of Noah's Mullet Funeral. And everybody laughs. Noah kicks butt at soccer. And, our birthdays are twins. Yay.

Mostly, I'm so glad I've randomly become friends with these guys. What can I say? They're the greatest kids ever.

Finally, I need you guys to read this post. [Edit: is it not pulling it up for you? Just go into the January bit and read "I'm in a mood"] It's from back in January and it's some of my worst writing ever. I hate it. I sound like a melodramatic thirteen year old. But it's about the Harry Potter marathon back in January that I keep mentioning. I met Ollie there. Me and Ollie are married now. (Okay, that was a total lie. I haven't spoken to him since. I did pet his hair once.)

Go stand in an icy cold pool, kiss Laura/Laurie/Lacey/Lamb under trees, and grow a mullet.

All my love, Addy.

Hello, November. I am different this year.

It's a nice thought, if you think about it. How have you changed since last November? Have you changed since last November? "Why November?" you ask. I'll tell you why November. "Cause it's November right this moment." That's what I'd say. Have you grown? Shrunk? Cried more? Less?

I, for one, have grown in some ways. I have simply grown as a person. Matured? Well, I wouldn't use the word "matured" maybe... Anyway. I'm smarter. Brighter. And, in a funny way, younger. I'm a little more alive than I was a year ago. One year ago I was starting ninth grade. I don't know. It was... It just was. This year has taken growing and adapting and being and existing, and more than all of that, thriving. I had a few dark patches over the last year, but look at me now. I had to head off to a new school (which brought upon more tears than I've ever cried over any three consistent weeks maybe ever) (except possibly the first three weeks of my life) (my mom says I cried a lot when I was a newborn). But look! Look at me now! I am happy. I am classy. I am alive. As a dancer, I've grown incredibly. I've had strangers come up to me after a performance and tell me how lovely I am as a dancer. I've had a moment or two where I've been a little down on myself, but not anymore. I am happy and I am content and I am alive. I've made so many new friends since last November. I'm in love. I'm alive. I'm not afriad. I sleep less - and sometimes more. I am a little more out there, a little less afraid. I took away the nightlight (I'm a little more mature, I guess). My voice has matured and I've sung a few pieces that you wouldn't believe. I'm just happy. I'm so comfortable with who I am now. I am not afraid to not wear makeup to school (I didn't today). I am not afraid to talk to "cool people." I am happy to wear my hair on top of my head and run around like a wild thing.

Mostly, I'm at peace. I'm at peace with everything out there. And I'm happy. I'm a wild thing.

Stop simply existing.

All my life, Addy