As much as I like to think that I am a city person, I think I'm actually a small-town person at heart. I'm definitely not a country person, that's for sure, because I'm starting to realize that the things I think I love about cities are really the things I love about small towns: people. I love people. I love knowing my neighbors and seeing the same ornery woman behind her desk on the second level of the library.
I love local bookstores and local coffee shops and local gas stations and local restaurants. I love local car washes, and I'm still a little cut up about the whole Firehouse Car Wash being bought out by nationally renowned Mr. Hot Shine, because that little car wash was a part of this little city! It was a part of my little city, like I'm a part of this little city, I'm a part of my little city.
And I love small-town because it's home. Maybe if I grew up in the country, I'd be a country person. Maybe if I grew up in the city, I'd be a real honest city person. But I grew up in a little baby, overly conservative town, and when people say things like, "Obama sucks," I know they're just saying, "Welcome home, Addy."
And I'm going to leave here someday. I'm might build bridges, I might write books, and I'm going to go to New York City, as cliche as it is. San Fransisco and Paris and Rome and Cairo and London and Tokyo, and maybe someday I'll call that my home. I'll stand at the feet of the Hellenistic Beauty and I'll cry and say, "I'm home," and I'll stand in Times Square and say, "I'm home," and I'll lean out of open windows in Barcelona and I'll say, "I'm home!" and no one will know what I'm saying because I speak English and they speak Spanish there.
Maybe I'll even go to Mitchell, Arizona, which is somewhat ironic and an anomaly in of itself. Mitchell, Arizona is doublethink in city form (boy form?). Maybe I'll fall in love with everywhere in the world and when I look at a map, I'll just stretch out my arms and embrace the entire world as my home.
But now? Right now? Home is my family and the weird conglomeration of friends that I've collected. Home smells like my shampoo. Home is Avery's shampoo and Kaitlyn's shampoo and how our hairs stick to Matt's black coat and how Kyle laughs when we pull them off.
Maybe someday my home will be universal, because there are things that are universal, you know? Friends are universal, I bet, like families are universal and youth is universal. Heartache and euphoria are probably universal, and fires probably burn when you light them no matter where you are. As far as I'm aware, shampoo smells the same wherever you go in the whole world and hair probably sticks to coats on all continents.
But I'm not leaving yet, like you are not leaving yet, and like we might never leave, really, because we're pieces of each other at this point. I'm not leaving yet.
I'm still not over 17-year-old Leo. (Are you asking me on a date?)
All my love,
Addy
When did this happen to me?
I started crying at 12:01 last night. You know that old eighties song by Alphaville? It's called "Forever Young" and I cried when it came on just past midnight last night.
I love birthdays. I mean, who doesn't? They remind me of how good I've got it - how wonderful my parents are, even when they are mad at me. How many good people exist in real life: The barista bought my lunch today simply because it's my birthday; my fashion board director spent hours helping me find something perfect to wear tonight; my mom spent way too much money on me; an entire train car sang "Happy Birthday" to me on Thursday night; my neighbor brought me a beautiful cake; I'm discovering birthday wishes via the internet; people I haven't heard from in years are calling and making me cry even more... It's a little overwhelming, actually.
I find so much pleasure in material things, too - I'll admit to that. I love new bedding for my new room and gorgeous new shoes and this most beautiful black blazer.
It does seem fitting that I spent the last few moments of my year with the same people who have been in my life for quite some time, doing the same things we have done together for as long as I like to remember. It seems fitting that I spent it with people who wished me a happy birthday a year ago today. It's good to know that some things never change - that Kyle Somer will always be too awkward and too cute and that Matt will always pay more attention to his guitar than to me and that Avery will always have a book in her bag.
But I'm so scared. And so overwhelmed. I don't know when I got this old and I can't believe how much changed in just 365 days and I can't believe how much is changing right at this exact moment. I don't even believe that we moved into my house six years ago to the day.
Of course, I don't want time to pause and not live my at all life or anything, but guess who doesn't deal with change all that well? Me, that's who. Yours truly.
I can't believe how everything and nothing can be changing simultaneously. I can't believe how time can be moving in both fast-forward and slow-motion at the exact same second.
When did this happen to me?
Cheers, my friends. Thanks for being with me even when I am crazy and all full of badness. This is for you, from me, on my birthday. Because I wouldn't be me without you.
Don't taunt the flowers (they can't defend themselves).
All my love,
Addy
