Wanderlust.

This is some serious stream of conscience. My apologies, but not really. Sorry I'm not sorry, I guess.

I like to think I know a lot about a lot of things (e.g. baroque art, punctuation rules, Brechtian theater, exhaustion), but I don't know about revenge. I can tell you the difference between revenge and vengeance, but I can't tell you how to get either of them. I wish I could help you, but I can't. I'd tell you that recklessness is revenge, but I'm not positive... Sorry I'm not sorry, I guess?

I had this good idea for revenge, but it wasn't really very good and I deleted it. It was who I was back then, not back now.

I think it takes two to tango. Sometimes. But someone has to ask for the dance.

I don't know how to feel. I don't know how to make sense of myself. I don't know if I have a favorite color. I don't know what color my own eyes are, and I certainly don't know what color yours are. I don't know what I want. To catch up on sleep? A toaster that pops the bread up when it's finished? I don't know. Oscar says, "I feel everything." The therapist says, "Maybe everyone feels everything," or something to that effect. Oscar says, "But it's worse for me." Therapist: "Maybe everyone thinks it's worse for him." Oscar: "Maybe. But it really is worse for me."

I feel everything. Maybe everyone feels everything. But it's worse for me. Maybe everyone thinks it's worse for him? Maybe. But it really is worse for me.

I get myself into crazy situations that make for good journal entries. The things that should go into normal, religious-affiliated journals never make it in. God never makes it in, even though I know He should. I'm just trying to keep him in my normal life at this point. I'm trying to find God in these fragments. I think He's in that stained glass window, on top of that cathedral, stretched across Michelangelo's ceiling? Maybe that's what God is in the end.

I don't think I'll ever measure up to Virginia Wolfe or Mr. Foer. I don't think I'll ever be the first in line. Maybe if I knew what I wanted I would be able to be there, be on time, be. Be. Be. Be. I sat on a bee at the beach once, but I love the beach anyway. I threw up a peanut butter shake once, but I love peanut butter anyway.

The Ivy League stopped wanting me when I made a bad airplane in the seventh grade. NASA stopped wanting me when I stopped wanting NASA. You stopped wanting me when I got distracted.

I'm scared because nothing is proportional. I'm scared because I don't think this will make sense to you. I'm scared because this might make sense to you.

"You're not my type."

"Sorry I don't weight 86 lbs."

"Sorry I'm not Cache Thompson."

"Touche."

All my love,

Addy

Re: Stacks.

Everything I tell you has this awful little lie as an undertone, you know that, right? If you noticed the incredible literary tactic there, I'd stop using it.


And then I felt like everything was right in theory, but in real life, it was oh-so-wrong.

Day 26: Oh, how I am scared.

I am scared of many things. Knives and spiders and snakes and sharks and knives and the dark and the discontinuation of Ramen Noodles and knives and... Did I mention knives? I'm very afraid of knives. It's normal.

But in real life, I have real fears. Sometimes I pretend to be a superhuman to impress/fool no one other than myself. My real life fears are as follows:

1.) Not being able to rely upon myself. I am afraid of getting into a car accident or being stabbed in the liver with a knife or something and not being able to rely upon myself to make my own breakfast. I have big dreams involving independence.

2.) Never ever finding love. This is a real fear worth fearing in my life. It honestly is, because I honestly worry that I may never fall in love. Boys do not actually fall at my feet and I am helplessly picky. I've never been kissed and there is only one boy that I can see myself kissing. But let's be honest, he's never actually going to kiss me/love me back. It is not fine.

3.) Not living out my dreams. I have a list of so many things I want to do with my life. College (major universities), career, game shows, fashion shows, Broadway, etc. My biggest, deepest fear is that I will not achieve these things. My mother always says, "Leave the doors open so that you can do anything," which really only means, "Get perfect grades so that you can do anything."

4.) Knives.

5.) I am terrified of death. Obviously. Because in the event of my death, I would not be able to rely on myself, fall in love, or live out my dreams. Also, there are probably knives in death.

I took off my makeup and now I look pretty.

All my love,

Addy.