"Why can't I have a simple life?"
-my friend, on... everything.
"Amen."
-me, in regards to a comment made regarding simplicity in life.
I am nothing if not an impressive liar, especially when it comes to lying to myself. But lately, I can't decide if my skills are diminishing or the lies themselves are getting a little too large to swallow.
I'm not over it. I'm not over boys that I loved forever ago or boys I loved last week. I'm not over boys I loved yesterday morning. I'm not over things people said to me back in school. I'm not over thinking sad stuff and I'm not over those strangers who arrived at my house. I'm not over getting hurt by people who weren't supposed to do just that. Hurt me, I mean. You probably know how that goes.
I'm not over being lonely. That's an oxymoron, almost. You can't just be over loneliness. It can leave for just a moment, but loneliness isn't an acute disease. For two moments, people can sit with you and hold you and allow your heartbeats to write songs, but it always ends the same way. You get stuck again.
I get stuck again. I'm not over loneliness, because not only is it an oxymoron, it's a paradox.
As soon as you get un-lonely, you get lonely all over again and you get it even worse than you had it before because then you start to remember when you weren't lonely and how perfect that was and how it felt to toss boulders into a pond with a person who knew you long before everyone else did, but it doesn't really matter, does it? Because even if it's only for a moment or even by accident or by default, the truth is this: Everyone leaves you in the end.
"The Mourning Paper"
All my love,
Addy
