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How to Say the Right Thing:

by Addy

1. Don't state any facts. Don't say, "This is bad weather," even if it is. Don't say, "That shirt is ugly," even if it is. Don't say, "I'm smarter than you," even if that is a real-life fact. Don't mention that it is still dark and you are already finished with one class, but you don't remember it because you were so tired, even though that ought to be completely understandable because it is still dark outside, even if that's a fact. No one cares about facts that much usually, because they can already see them.


2. Don't verbalize your feelings. Don't shout "I'm so obsessed with you," because that will overwhelm people. Don't shout "I hate you," because it makes people hate you back. Don't say "I don't know how to be all of the things I am supposed to be," because then people feel choked by your feelings and they're like, "Uh."


3. Don't mumble. Also don't say things like, "Meh," or "Ag," instead of real words. And maybe refrain from meowing very much.


4. Don't make an inside joke (e.g. pointing at the ground, or "Totes obv awk," or "I HAVE KIDNEY STONES") because it makes anyone else who is not a part of that joke feel left out and when you've made someone feel left out you probably said the wrong thing.


5. Make the right facial expression for the situation. Furrow your brow when the conversation is about death, blood, break-ups, or math; smile when the conversation is about books, neighborhood boys, sweaters, or Matt Davis. And cats. Smile about cats.


6. Speak loudly and clearly.


7. Look at their eyes.


8. Don't mention cats. Most people don't understand the cat life.


Or maybe just scrap all of that and say the wrong thing all the time, because saying the wrong thing makes you the friends that you actually want to have and and saying the wrong thing gets you the jobs you actually want to have and saying the wrong thing is what makes people laugh and because the saying the wrong thing is what makes people fall in love with you.


In childhood.
All my love,
Addy

Come closer. Stand next to me. Hold my hand. Open your arms a little wider. And don't forget me. Please. Because we won't be forever young.

I think I overthink a lot of things.

Sometimes I get really worried.


I lie in my bed and think about natural disasters and serial killers and how I may never fall in love and how it's possible that I'm a sociopath and then, after I've worried about all of those insane and unlikely things, I start worrying about other things.


My mind goes in a circle. It goes like this:


What if my parents had never met?
What if they had decided not to get married?
What if another sperm had beat out the sperm that I was?
What if I had eaten some sort of poison as a baby and died?
What if we had moved into a different house?
What if my sisters hadn't been born?
What if I had gone to a different high school?
What if I hadn't written notes to the people I wrote notes to?
What if I had picked different friends?
What if?
What if?
What if?


What if?


I have, after years of "What if?"'s, I've come up with several conclusions. They follow:


1.) There are no "What if?"'s. There is only fate. There is no chance that my parents never would've met or that I would've ingested poison as an infant. This conclusion is rather philosophical and makes for great poetry.

2.) Everything is an enormous coincidence. Every choice, every meeting, every letter - all of it - it's a plain old coincidence and all of those coincidences have come together to make me and my life real and actual.


3.) Everything is a long string of miracles. It's different from fate. It's the idea that all of these things weren't planned or anything, but that they all came together in a very beautiful way that was influenced by the hand of some higher power.


4.) This is all my fault. This conclusion usually comes when I feel a) empowered or b) blue. Everything that has happened is because of choices I have made or choices my parents made or choices Kaitlyn and Avery and Emily and Katie made.


Maybe someday it'll all make sense, but I doubt it. For now, I'll simply worry about all sorts of things. Maybe someday. Until then, "What if?"


"Nice sideburns."
All my love,
Addy

Fact versus fiction.

Fact: Third term is officially over tomorrow.

Fiction: My grades are perfect.

Fact: Avery's birthday is today.

Fiction: She has a drivers license and is very legally allowed to drive us places, because she is 17.

Fact: I wore a dress and rain boots today.

Fiction: No one made fun.

Fact: I got a good grade in math.

Fiction: It was an A.

Fact: I read Harry Potter.

Fiction: I don't reread the entire series about once every three months.

Fiction: I don't compare most things in life to Harry/Luna/Hogwarts/Dumbledore/Voldemort.

Fact: Love exists.

Fiction: My love live is in full swing.

Fact: Matt Pokrus, Morgan Nelson, Emily Luse, Katie Thueson, Mallory Ash, Hannah Shill and Madison Russon all owe me notes.

Fiction: They're going to give them to me soon.

Yes, yes. We are magicians.

All my love,

Addy.

Day 26: Oh, how I am scared.

I am scared of many things. Knives and spiders and snakes and sharks and knives and the dark and the discontinuation of Ramen Noodles and knives and... Did I mention knives? I'm very afraid of knives. It's normal.

But in real life, I have real fears. Sometimes I pretend to be a superhuman to impress/fool no one other than myself. My real life fears are as follows:

1.) Not being able to rely upon myself. I am afraid of getting into a car accident or being stabbed in the liver with a knife or something and not being able to rely upon myself to make my own breakfast. I have big dreams involving independence.

2.) Never ever finding love. This is a real fear worth fearing in my life. It honestly is, because I honestly worry that I may never fall in love. Boys do not actually fall at my feet and I am helplessly picky. I've never been kissed and there is only one boy that I can see myself kissing. But let's be honest, he's never actually going to kiss me/love me back. It is not fine.

3.) Not living out my dreams. I have a list of so many things I want to do with my life. College (major universities), career, game shows, fashion shows, Broadway, etc. My biggest, deepest fear is that I will not achieve these things. My mother always says, "Leave the doors open so that you can do anything," which really only means, "Get perfect grades so that you can do anything."

4.) Knives.

5.) I am terrified of death. Obviously. Because in the event of my death, I would not be able to rely on myself, fall in love, or live out my dreams. Also, there are probably knives in death.

I took off my makeup and now I look pretty.

All my love,

Addy.