I'm sick as death.

And I love how supportive some people are of my health. I informed Sarah of this and she replied with, "You look terrible."

I asked her to come to my funeral.

"You bet! I'll be there. Eating twinkies and drinking frapps. With extra whip cream and whole milk."

You rock, Sare. Thanks.

Here's to the kids...

"Here's to the kids. The kids who would rather spend their night with a bottle of coke & Patrick or Sonny playing on their headphones than go to some vomit-stained high school party. Here's to the kids whose 11:11 wish was wasted on one person who will never be there for them. Here's to the kids whose idea of a good night is sitting on the hood of a car, watching the stars. Here's to the kids who never were too good at life, but still were wicked cool. Here's to the kids who listened to Fall Out boy and Hawthorne Heights before they were on MTV...and blame MTV for ruining their life. Here's to the kids who care more about the music than the haircuts. Here's to the kids who have crushes on a stupid lush. Here's to the kids who hum "A Little Less 16 Candles, A Little More Touch Me" when they're stuck home, dateless, on a Saturday night. Here's to the kids who have ever had a broken heart from someone who didn't even know they existed. Here's to the kids who have read The Perks of Being a Wallflower & didn't feel so alone after doing so. Here's to the kids who spend their days in photobooths with their best friend(s). Here's to the kids who are straight up smartalecks & just don't care. Here's to the kids who speak their mind. Here's to the kids who consider screamo their lullaby for going to sleep. Here's to the kids who second guess themselves on everything they do. Here's to the kids who will never have 100 percent confidence in anything they do, and to the kids who are okay with that. Here's to the kids. This one's not for the kids, who always get what they want, but for the ones who never had it at all. It's not for the ones who never got caught, but for the ones who always try and fall. This one's for the kids who didnt make it, we were the kids who never made it. The Overcast girls and the Underdog Boys. Not for the kids who had all their joys. This one's for the kids who never faked it. We're the kids who didn't make it. They say "Breaking hearts is what we do best," and, "We'll make your heart be ripped of your chest" The only heart that I broke was mine, when I got my

hopes up too too high. We were the kids who didn't make it. We are the kids who never made it."

- Peter Wentz

Here's to you.

I sort of live in my own little world sometimes.

Occasionally I leave this crazy mad little world and go off to my own little place. I like my little place. But I sometimes go to my own little place only cause I hate this world. Sometimes I go there and take all of my friends with me. And sometimes I am really really happy because real life is exactly like my own little world.

Things that happened in both fake and real world this day (slash weekend):

1.) People are nice.

2.) I have friends at my school that I love.

3.) I run into Avery and Katie and Bre at places like Cafe Rio.

4.) We walk approximately eleven and a half yards westward and run into Roah!

5.) We be sassy to Talon Shumway. Cause we can. Cause he's mean. And it's fun.

6.) We drink more Starbucks than eat actual food.

7.) We dance. Everywhere.

8.) I get good grades and understand math.

9.) School gets cut in half for a little while and we spend a lot of time at places that aren't school.

10.) Angel Boys ask for my number.

11.) The world appreciates good music and sings loudly.

12.) People fall in love. (KATIE.) (and myself a little maybe!)

13.) Turns out I actually love my school. We're ghetto and we're uber awesome.

14.) Everyone smiles. Cause we can.(:

15.) Everyone lives, really lives, instead of simply existing.

16.) And we do wild madness simply because we can.

Today was such a beautiful, beautiful day. One of those days when my own little fantasy world meets the real actual world. I love this day. I am a nobody who has joined with a bunch of other spastic nobodies to leave her past behind. Just because I can.

Be sassy to boys you thought you loved once. Just because you can.

Listen to music really loud instead of listening to your teacher. Just because you can.

Don't wear makeup. Just because you can.

Stay pretty. Just because you can.

I've always believed that life is rather simple, really. What happens, happens. What does not, does not. The past is the past. We give what we get. The only way to have a friend is to be a friend. This does not mean we can allow ourselves to be content with sitting around and doing nothing, because what happens, happens and there is doing we can do to change this BECAUSE THIS IS NOT TRUE. We cannot control the past, and for the most part, not the future. Quite frankly, there are many elements of the present moment we cannot bother or change or control. But we can control one thing, and if that is all, then that is enough: our attitude. Happiness is a choice. It is a disposition. Choose to be happy. In life, we are faced with choices. We can choose. We can make decisions. We can fall in love, or fall in hate. We can make babies or make art. We can sit silently and hate everything and not be a part of anything, or we can dance with our heads held high. To be somebody, we must not be afraid to be nobody. And therefore, we become somebody....

IT IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL DAY OF ALL.

SMILE.

XOX.

P.S. Dear Elizabeth - sorry for making everything awkward with McKay. It worth it though.(:

I've always said not to regret anything. But this is my deepest regret.

I don't remember his name, but rather I remember the way he looked, and the things he wore on those days that feel so long ago. He was taller than me, I think, with dark hair and dark eyes, and, looking back, he wasn't an unattractive boy, but actually quite the opposite. His clothes were inexpensive and his wardrobe limited, and I remember knowing (for some reason) that he was being raised by a single mother; a fatherless, hispanic boy of barely eight or nine. I remember that he had to go to a special classroom for special tutoring while the rest of us stayed in a normal classroom, learning normal things. I distinctly remember going to the bathroom one day while he was walking back from tutoring and he looked into my bluish-greenish eyes with his deep brown ones, wearing a red pokemon t-shirt, and smiled, saying, "Hello, Addy. How are you?" I broke his gaze. I walked faster. I remember feeling so terrible for the way I acted for several days, and avoided him even more, going out of my way to not have to look him in the eye, sit by him, or share crayons with him. I made a choice one night, lying in my bed, staring at the glow-in-the-dark stars on my ceiling, that I would be kinder to him, be his friend, look him in the eye, sit next to him, share my crayons with him... I hoped he would forgive me for the way I acted all that time. The next day at school, he was absent. And he never came back.

...What Happened To Me?

I sat there with Sarah on the top stair of the commons area and looked around.

Sometimes I wonder what people experience behind closed doors. That girl? Over there? She's been called "fat" and "chubby" and "overweight." Today, I found out that before her dad was shot and killed, he had two types of cancer. This hit me deeply.

What else are people living with everyday?

I think of how many parents are divorced. I think of how many eating disorders, weight issues, depression, school troubles, lonliness, diseases, financial problems, abusive lovers, drug users... I think of how much I don't know that happens when the blinds are closed and the windows are dark.

We looked around and I thought, "Who would I be spending time with?" It was funny. I looked at Katie Parker, surrounded by popular groupies and nearly laughed. What if we were still best friends now? What would I be like?

Don't get me wrong, I love Katie Parker. But that seems so different from my odd group of quirky, indie friends. She seems so different from Sarah, Katie Thueson, Avery, Ari, Jake Barton, and Roah.

I looked at Brette. I was friends with her once. I can't believe how much she's changed. How much I'VE changed.

I looked at Davis. He isn't even the boy I loved anymore.

I thought of people from elementary school in Orem whom I haven't spoken to for years.

When do people we know become people we knew?

I thought of the girl I used to be - who did everything right. Who never got in trouble, worried about her weight, wore skirts, danced, dreamed of being a professional actress, couldn't run a mile, sat silently, didn't understand perverted jokes, or know the pain of drugs.

I looked at who I've become and thought, "What happened to me?"

Life happened, that's what.

I make so many mistakes now. I get in trouble with administrators, teachers, my parents. I worry about my weight. I wear skirts. I dance. I dream of working on Broadway for a living. I can run four miles solid. I never sit silently. I understand perverted jokes. I have friends who do drugs and I've seen the destruction.

Life happened to me.

The bell rang and I went to class.

But I don't want to forget anymore. I don't want to walk through life blindly, leaving things behind.

I never wanted to grow up. I never thought I would become this person. And yet, I have.

Stay pretty.

All my love, Addy* Sue.

You looked at me and said, "It was really nice to talk to you."

And I said, "Yes! Thank you! I love you."

"I love you, too," said you.

Then I opened the door and got out of the car.

And I closed the door.

Then I opened the door again and said, "I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU!" and you said, "I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU, TOO!!" And we kissed and smiled.

Except for that last part didn't happen.

Stay pretty.

All my love, Addy.

This is for you.

Stop

Just stop.

Stop looking in the mirror and saying, "I'm fat."

Stop looking around and saying, "I'm ugly."

Stop thinking, "I'm not good enough."

Because if you are thinking this about yourself, what are you thinking about me?

You are lovely in every single way.

You look exceptionally nice today.

I love you very much.

Smile, and the world will sing your praises.

YOU ARE PRETTY.

STAY THAT WAY.

All my love, Addy.

So it would seem that...

(please.)

Fall is here. I can taste it. It tastes like football games on Friday nights; the smell of soup and watered-down hot chocolate. The warmth of friends and my favorite tea. Cheers for That Boy who plays quarterback. The gloves and scarves and hoping for a win. It tastes like leaves falling off of the giant tree in the back yard. It tastes like being little all over again and running at full speed into the piles. It tastes like long pants and dropping tempuratures; cold winds, freezing mornings. It tastes like structured jackets and warm boots. It tastes like pumpkin muffins and school, early mornings, with frost tipping the edges of the grass. It tastes like new pencils, new shoes, new books, and clean sheets. I tastes like paperwork overload. It tastes like earlier bedtimes and warmer food. It tastes like the end of watermelon. It tastes like breezes and rain and kind of a little like the end of something beautiful... It tastes like summer is running off in her flowered dress and bare feet to sunnier settings and saying, "Have a nice year!" while Autumn tips his hat and asks, "May I come in?" It tastes a little sad. The tanlines fading into the pale of my skin, the last of the sand slipping from between my toes, swimsuits put up on the too-high shelf where winter coats used to be... But it's here. We can't stop the clock or stall any longer.So here it is. And here we go.

Well, now that we've all cried and worn lipstick...

I feel like we're all being terribly too sad and melancholy. I hope you have a better day, all of you. So please, take a list of things that make you terribly happy. Then, comment and tell me that it made you a little happier and go back to your own blog and do the same! Happiness is contagious, you know. So please, infect everyone.(:

Happiest thing on earth? I think yes.

YOU, my love, are classy and fabulous.

High fashion modeling shots never fail to make me smile.

Vintage clothing and tea... Hello happiness.

Summer. I. Love. Summer.

This is true.

The Beatles, of course!

I always smile at security cameras and hope someone notices.

I love old shorts. They remind me of summer. And summer is just happy.

Shoes are happy as can be.

These shoes are happy cause they're blue and old. Old=loved. Loved=happy.

And fairy tales are happy.

Follow your heart and you shall be happy in the end.

I shall live back East one day and wear beanies and drink overpriced Starbucks. And it will be happy.

Whoever came up with this, will you marry me? Cause it made my day.

I feel the desperate and dire need to make everyone cry.

Katie showed me this song. And we cried. Life is hard, I guess. Well, just watch it and cry. Or laugh. Or smile. I hope you smile. Cause there really is good in the world. "No there is not!" says Katie. But, yes, Katie, there is. And I hope none of you commit suicide.

Cause there really is good in the world.

City and Colour - "The Girl"

On Being Joyful

I promise to laugh a little louder.

I promise to smile a little wider; and with that wider smile, wear brighter lipstick.

I promise to have cake fights with Roah and then eat that cake.

I promise to say hello to strangers.

I promise to say hello to people who I hate (which is harder than saying hello to strangers).

I promise to say hello to people who I hate in a nice way and not a mean, sarcastic way.

I promise to live my life a little crazier.

I promise to stop complaining about being sad, and lonely, and single, because I am not.

I promise to be a little happier.

I promise that even though I said wasn't single in that last line: I am.

(P.S. I wish this was be. That'd be cool.)