Monday, September 20, 2010

...What Happened To Me?

I sat there with Sarah on the top stair of the commons area and looked around.
Sometimes I wonder what people experience behind closed doors. That girl? Over there? She's been called "fat" and "chubby" and "overweight." Today, I found out that before her dad was shot and killed, he had two types of cancer. This hit me deeply.
What else are people living with everyday?
I think of how many parents are divorced. I think of how many eating disorders, weight issues, depression, school troubles, lonliness, diseases, financial problems, abusive lovers, drug users... I think of how much I don't know that happens when the blinds are closed and the windows are dark.
We looked around and I thought, "Who would I be spending time with?" It was funny. I looked at Katie Parker, surrounded by popular groupies and nearly laughed. What if we were still best friends now? What would I be like?
Don't get me wrong, I love Katie Parker. But that seems so different from my odd group of quirky, indie friends. She seems so different from Sarah, Katie Thueson, Avery, Ari, Jake Barton, and Roah.
I looked at Brette. I was friends with her once. I can't believe how much she's changed. How much I'VE changed.
I looked at Davis. He isn't even the boy I loved anymore.
I thought of people from elementary school in Orem whom I haven't spoken to for years.
When do people we know become people we knew?
I thought of the girl I used to be - who did everything right. Who never got in trouble, worried about her weight, wore skirts, danced, dreamed of being a professional actress, couldn't run a mile, sat silently, didn't understand perverted jokes, or know the pain of drugs.
I looked at who I've become and thought, "What happened to me?"
Life happened, that's what.
I make so many mistakes now. I get in trouble with administrators, teachers, my parents. I worry about my weight. I wear skirts. I dance. I dream of working on Broadway for a living. I can run four miles solid. I never sit silently. I understand perverted jokes. I have friends who do drugs and I've seen the destruction.
Life happened to me.
The bell rang and I went to class.
But I don't want to forget anymore. I don't want to walk through life blindly, leaving things behind.
I never wanted to grow up. I never thought I would become this person. And yet, I have.

Stay pretty.
All my love, Addy* Sue.

1 comment:

sarah said...

yes, today was a oddly beautiful dayy...
thats who we were,
but i think we should focus now on who we are. (:
we are the girls that listen to our ipods and dance down the hall... who evaluate life way to much, and for the most part are happy. and we love to live, and to experience, we find strength in pain.. and carry on.
thats who we are.