...What Happened To Me?

I sat there with Sarah on the top stair of the commons area and looked around.

Sometimes I wonder what people experience behind closed doors. That girl? Over there? She's been called "fat" and "chubby" and "overweight." Today, I found out that before her dad was shot and killed, he had two types of cancer. This hit me deeply.

What else are people living with everyday?

I think of how many parents are divorced. I think of how many eating disorders, weight issues, depression, school troubles, lonliness, diseases, financial problems, abusive lovers, drug users... I think of how much I don't know that happens when the blinds are closed and the windows are dark.

We looked around and I thought, "Who would I be spending time with?" It was funny. I looked at Katie Parker, surrounded by popular groupies and nearly laughed. What if we were still best friends now? What would I be like?

Don't get me wrong, I love Katie Parker. But that seems so different from my odd group of quirky, indie friends. She seems so different from Sarah, Katie Thueson, Avery, Ari, Jake Barton, and Roah.

I looked at Brette. I was friends with her once. I can't believe how much she's changed. How much I'VE changed.

I looked at Davis. He isn't even the boy I loved anymore.

I thought of people from elementary school in Orem whom I haven't spoken to for years.

When do people we know become people we knew?

I thought of the girl I used to be - who did everything right. Who never got in trouble, worried about her weight, wore skirts, danced, dreamed of being a professional actress, couldn't run a mile, sat silently, didn't understand perverted jokes, or know the pain of drugs.

I looked at who I've become and thought, "What happened to me?"

Life happened, that's what.

I make so many mistakes now. I get in trouble with administrators, teachers, my parents. I worry about my weight. I wear skirts. I dance. I dream of working on Broadway for a living. I can run four miles solid. I never sit silently. I understand perverted jokes. I have friends who do drugs and I've seen the destruction.

Life happened to me.

The bell rang and I went to class.

But I don't want to forget anymore. I don't want to walk through life blindly, leaving things behind.

I never wanted to grow up. I never thought I would become this person. And yet, I have.

Stay pretty.

All my love, Addy* Sue.