Swimming through the saline.

I cry every day. Big, black tears full of make-up and little quiet clear tears full of nothing but salt.


I cry because this is real life and I cry when people on television shows die and people in books get shot. I cry when other people's houses go up for sale. I cry when I cut my toe with the vacuum cleaner and when I think there is a killer shadow in my bedroom at three in the morning. I cry because there are books that are so well-written, I can't help but shed a tear. I cry when I see the dates on the calendar and I cry when I see old friends. I cry when I look at paintings and when I can't do anything right. I cry when I get my hopes up and when I get fortune cookies that are perfect. I cry at the mention of certain books. I cry when I miss people. I cry more when I look in the mirror and see how awful all that crying has made me look and cry the most when I realize I am crying because of something I saw in the mirror. 


I cry because sometimes, I simply don't know what else to do. Every single day, that happens. I just cry, involuntarily, because "any emotion, if it is sincere, is involuntary."


And right now, there is so much to feel.


I miss you more with every passing moment. Even though you are not even gone yet.
All my love,
Addy