Thursday, December 13, 2012

de Kooning, Amiens, and other places I've searched for God.

I put a lot of Hope in my own future. I think it's because I have a lot of Doubt. Just in general. So I put a lot of hope in myself and the places I will go and the people I will know because I just don't feel like there's anything else I can do.

I put a lot of hope in the fact that someday I will see Amiens and in that moment, I will see the face of God. And I put a lot of Hope in the idea that someday, I will know for sure that "God" isn't just something you throw around in poetry when you want to drive it home, make a point, get people to listen to you. Then again, I might not. Because Faith is not an equivalent to Knowledge. Faith is not Knowledge, Hope is not Knowledge, Belief is not Knowledge, Knowledge is Knowledge, and if you Know God? Kudos to you, because I can only have Faith in Him.

The point is, I have places to go. I don't think I believe in some sort of predetermined Destiny or universal Fate, but I do like the concept. I think it's a creation of your own. And your parents will try to steer you. And the people you fall in Love with help sculpt it. I think we each have this process of unconscious Discovery that starts when you roll over in the morning, in that space between awake and asleep and I'm pretty sure the things that exist in those moments are, like, the rawness of your Being.

In case you were curious, and I don't Know, you might be, in my own space between awake and asleep, there are a lot of words and a lot of Renaissance paintings. A lot of times there's music. In my own space between awake and asleep there is never, ever silence, I can tell you that for sure. My suspension moments are not quiet. You probably could've guessed that.

And here's a truth: Sometimes, what I want to do is simply what I'm told to do, just because I don't like to deal with the debacles that ensue if I don't. I know that's hard for you to comprehend, but that's it. I do exactly what I please. Because everyone has to do what they're told for some amount of time. Really, I think they do. Even de Kooning attended the academy, and you know what de Kooning did next? He stamped out the cubist movement. Even de Kooning did what he was told for a little while there.

Anyway. I have a lot of Hope in Amiens and Botticelli and Victor Hugo and fresh snow and Maya Angelo and airplanes and Christmas mornings and New York City and Sunday afternoons with You and the fact that my life line on my palm is really long.

In my mind, I will never die. I will stay forever, trying to comprehend the mysteries of the universe, convincing myself that these are things I can understand. I never claimed I wrote because I already understood the world. I write because I'm trying to figure it out just like everybody else, and sometimes my figuring comes out eloquently (other times it does not).

But what I think I'm really getting at is this: I don't think I'll ever be able to do the things my mother does. She is more beautiful and more creative and more wonderful than I will ever be. I don't think I'll wake up one day and understand children or suddenly be a the mom who runs every class party, you know? I think the people who already do things like that right now will, though. The student council girls will be able to do that. I will be forever in awe of them.

I will be able to teach my children about Moliere, though. And they will be beautiful and tough and have healthy body images. We'll have an art room where they can throw paint and spill things and make messes and mistakes, because the messes and the mistakes I've made are the things that have made me.

I realize this post is crazy, isn't what I think I've come to let you people expect from me, but I'm sassier than I think you think I am. Passive aggressive? Maybe, but there's a lot you don't know. And I won't ever claim I know you through and through either.

Interrogative pronouns?
All my love,

1 comment:

Eliza said...

You are beautiful, and I am in awe of you.