Wednesday, June 15, 2011

I think I overthink a lot of things.

Sometimes I get really worried.

I lie in my bed and think about natural disasters and serial killers and how I may never fall in love and how it's possible that I'm a sociopath and then, after I've worried about all of those insane and unlikely things, I start worrying about other things.

My mind goes in a circle. It goes like this:

What if my parents had never met?
What if they had decided not to get married?
What if another sperm had beat out the sperm that I was?
What if I had eaten some sort of poison as a baby and died?
What if we had moved into a different house?
What if my sisters hadn't been born?
What if I had gone to a different high school?
What if I hadn't written notes to the people I wrote notes to?
What if I had picked different friends?
What if?
What if?
What if?

What if?

I have, after years of "What if?"'s, I've come up with several conclusions. They follow:

1.) There are no "What if?"'s. There is only fate. There is no chance that my parents never would've met or that I would've ingested poison as an infant. This conclusion is rather philosophical and makes for great poetry.

2.) Everything is an enormous coincidence. Every choice, every meeting, every letter - all of it - it's a plain old coincidence and all of those coincidences have come together to make me and my life real and actual.

3.) Everything is a long string of miracles. It's different from fate. It's the idea that all of these things weren't planned or anything, but that they all came together in a very beautiful way that was influenced by the hand of some higher power.

4.) This is all my fault. This conclusion usually comes when I feel a) empowered or b) blue. Everything that has happened is because of choices I have made or choices my parents made or choices Kaitlyn and Avery and Emily and Katie made.

Maybe someday it'll all make sense, but I doubt it. For now, I'll simply worry about all sorts of things. Maybe someday. Until then, "What if?"

"Nice sideburns."
All my love,


Avery Jalaine said...

I thought the very end was especially inspired. Heh.

Also, I always think: What if I had been named something else? Because I feel like I'd be an entirely different person if my name was Lauren, like my mom was thinking. Or Hilary or Shay or Claire like my dad wanted at first.

And then I usually wonder what I would be wearing on this exact day if my name had been Hilary or whatever.

I love you.

Marika xoxo said...

I love the 3rd photo <3