Monday, March 7, 2011

My slow and delicate decent into spinsterhood.


I am fifteen and seven twelfths of a year old and I am giving up on love. I've had my shots and my opportunities, but nothing has ever worked out in my favor. I've never even been kissed and I find this positively wretched, unfortunately.

So I've decided that unless loves breaks down my front door and falls at my feet and pleads for me, my future will contain cats.

I've decided I shall have 21 cats. 14 of them are named after notable women in history, such as Susan B. Anthony and Ginger Rogers and Elizabeth Blackwell; one shall be named Anne-Sophie Mutter (because she's awesome), another shall be called Alexander McQueen, you know, because he was sufficiently incredible, and another shall be named Fluffy - because every deserves to have a cat named Fluffy. The final four shall be named George, Paul, John, and Ringo in tribute to the fab four.

I shall begin wearing unflattering, unbecoming, oversized holiday sweaters all months of the year. I shall obtain a fanny pack that is not ugly enough to be funny; yet, not cute enough to be cute - just really, really ugly; I shall carry tampons and dollar bills and other small trinkets in this really, really ugly fanny pack of mine. I will reject any heated tools used to do my hair. I shall watch Bosnian soap operas all hours of the day and night.

This universe has sent me a sign. This is the future it wants for me. If you want to save me, send a cardigan-wearing or sweater-clad boy who enjoys books and libraries and European chocolate and doesn't mind matte lipstick or turquoise rainboots or dancing in public places. Send him to break down my front door and battle each and every one of my cats.

He had better be an exceptional kisser.
All my love,
Addy.

P.S. If you're sending a boy, he also needs to have nice hair and nice skin and nice teeth and be very skinny. But not skinner than me. He also needs to understand politics. And fashion. And not mind my cats, because they're staying.
P.P.S. And if he doesn't fit these specifications, you should probably just forget about it.

8 comments:

Whitney Ann said...

note: I didnt' have my first kiss until....hm...yes this year. Ask me how old I am?
don't give up dear.
love is only worth it when it's true.
when it's only to say you've been in love...it's miserable.
also. high school is much more fun and less complicated without it.
i love you.

Freckle Face Lauren said...

I didn't have my first kiss til I was seventeen and five sixths. Don't fret. God's saving the perfect boy for you because you're too good to be kissed by a silly boy.

Shelbie Jude said...

i'm hoping that writing that note to me earlier to me today was inspiration for this post.
also,
i'm happy that i know who anne-sophie mutter is, because she is, indeed, awesome.
let's be honest, i will join you in spinsterhood.

i will only have two cats though, a russian blue named angelina and an all black cat named reginald.a

we're good to go. :)

E. Luse said...

Bosnian soap operas...

elizabeth said...

Hi
Can I just say that I think your blog the is best. I love the pictures, the font, the way you write.. its just fantastic!
I'm definetly becoming a follower.

p.s.
You'll get your perfect kiss one day.

-Elizabeth

McKenzie said...

oh adds, your forgetting someone we both love dearly...Audrey Hepburn. or you could name one in "honor" of her and Breakfast and Tiff. and just name it "Cat".

You do make me smile. And your prince charming will come. Have a fabulous night dear cous.

Ashley said...

haha ohh my gosh YOU ARE ADORABLE! I just stumbled on your blog... girrrl i finally found my true love last year at 23, and married him :) dont worry, the good ones are worth waiting for! Boys are awkward when theyre fifteen anyways :)

Jordan Sarchett said...

Dear Addy,
Don't be silly. Life must be full of passion; of blazing, beautiful passion. Don't give up yet, you're ONLY 15 and seven twelfths. You don't even have a driver's license which leads me (who is but 18 years and nine twelfths) to believe that you can't have seen that much of the world. And there are 70,932,027,462 people in the world RIGHT MEOW, and that number is growing exponentially by the second. (Did you know that if everyone in China walked in a straight line it would never end because of the rate of population?) I believe that there are, at least, thousands of men in the world who will be enamored by you, as I'm sure there are thousands yet to be enamored by me. Do not lose faith. instead, learn a new language and travel abroad as soon as you can.

And love yourself, of course. But that is a very cliche thing to say.

Jordie Sarchett